Dilemmas of being a PILLION rider!!
(Dumb yet true!)

Looking around I see an entire population rolling around on wheels; motorized and ‘un’motorized, cycles of various colors and ‘CCs’, queer little things, those ‘scooties’, ‘mopeds’ and cars zipping by, choch-a-block-ing the streets of the city I’ve adopted as my home for the last 4 years for academic purposes, what cannot go without a mention is the raucous mass of human beings spilling over into the main road from the scant foot-paths and wading their way nonchalantly through the roaring and honking ocean of vehicles. Passing by, I notice the many malls, wada-pav sellers, juice vendors, the BARISTAs, the CCDs, the LEEs and the REEBOKs, the PYRAMIDS and the PANTALOONs, the PLANET Ms and the MUSIC WORLDs and then of course, the many shapely little things walking around in groups- all the stereotypes and essentials of the 'young' city, Pune..... and then all of a sudden, the nape of a dirty neck…..a cold slap on the face!!
Howdy! I am the pillion rider!!!

“You are sure to meet with an accident, son, Pune roads are unbelievably bad and people have no traffic sense and besides….you even fell off your tricycle so many times as a kid!”,
“Your stars don’t permit you to ride those which move on two wheels, if you disobey your celestial guardians, not even divine interference can keep him from a horrifying consequentiality!”(“Can I ‘ride’ those that move on two legs then??” should’ve been a reasonable doubt, wonder why it never occured to me back then?).
“Rono you are just way too scared and nervy to ride, trust me the day you set your bottoms on a bike seat……. you’re done, brother!!!”
“Over my dead body!!!! If you even think of getting our son a two-wheeler, I shall move to my maternal place….FOREVER!!” ...concluded my mother.
Such was the encouragement that emanated from the very thought or sight of me planted on a motorcycle or even….a bicycle! Therefore I have now survived for near about 4 years in the city where even the milkman has a Hero Honda, often traversing on foot and sometimes surrendering myself to the cunning ‘auto-walla’s who would be more than happy to take anyone for a leisurely ride and even graciously give a short tour of the entire city if one didn’t know his way around; these greedy,little gremlins often carry picked Meters and phony fare-cards so during my first few weeks in the city I was shelling out three-figure amounts for short trips to the market or the bank or even to the nearest movie theatre!
But also, I am not the only one. Many such ill-fated blokes in the city like me exist, who have even had to go on dates in an auto-rickshaw!! Funny, images of my first and only date should assail to my mind…….!
Yet, the scorching envy with which my eyes have followed each ‘dude’ sprawling luxuriously on their THUNDERBIRDs and BULLETs is sure to send each and every one of their petrol-guzzling chariots to the service station at least once, with serious engine issues, or so I can solemnly hope.
Nevertheless, this matter being so extremely sensitive as to send me spiraling away from the main subject matter of this essay, I shall now solely focus and expand on my experiences and expertise on the topic of ‘skilled pillion-riding!’ Yes, I have been so many people’s ‘bitch’ there’s a lot of venom to spew! So bear with me….
Here is a brief study of a few various reasons( among tonnes of others) why I hate pillion-ing;

FIRST; Whenever you're on a long ride with the guys you are never part of the excitement, the action….the sole purpose of the trip being the RIDING!!

PRO: Sit back, enjoy the breeze, the raindrops don’t strike your face twice as hard, the slush gets your friend’s trousers first and be the wimp!
CON: Being the wimp!

SECOND; You don’t know if that hot, little fox is staring at you or your rider friend.
PRO: Doesn’t make a difference, she’ll most definitely be taken.
CON: Even if she’s interested, it’s your friend and not his ‘burden’.

THIRD; You’re always the wuss who has to be ‘picked up’ and ‘dropped off’!
PRO: Good! it’s a free ride!
CON: Constant subjection to sentences like, “I’ll pick you up at six sharp! stand outside your flat”, “How will you go back home? Do I have to drop you off?”(WHAT!! Am I your date??), “Sit behind him, you’re too heavy!”….and the other guy goes, “no-no my shock absorbers are too weak!” and sometimes, “Shut it dude, don’t disturb me when I am riding!”

FOURTH; Your bike goes over a speed-breaker without braking, your n**s are crushed!!!
PRO: Ah well! They were of no REAL use anyway!
CON: WTF! YOUR N**S ARE CRUSHED!!!!!

FIFTH; You are always the sidekick who’s made to wait and guard the bike while your friend is away cashing-out or meeting an aunt.
PRO: Well you finally have ONE responsibility.
CON: Playing Sancho Panza can often be painfully detrimental to one’s self esteem!

SIXTH; Perched at the back you’re sure to be made the mule. Jackets, helmets, guitars, amplifiers, food, booze anything, often everything is dumped on you. Fair enough!
PRO: Often reminds me of a certain 10 armed Goddess and that how comfortable she might be in certain situations……what would she do if her armpits itched?
If its food and booze you’re dumped with, mooch away!! simple, they were getting too heavy to carry!
CON: Con? What con? Don’t Coat-hangers have self-esteem too?

SEVENTH; “Parking-ticket money?? The guy in the back pays, my hands are ‘full’”!
PRO: With all the change in your pockets gone you’ll probably weigh lighter on the weighing scale next time you’re checking.
CON: Crap! Can’t even afford a gum.

EIGHTH; Your imbecile of a friend decides to do a wheelie with you sitting behind and you cant refuse him.
PRO: Good! Now you know you’re stupid too.
CON: The first to go were your n**ts, now clear the road for your buns!

NINTH; If your rider friend is wearing a helmet, it’s YOUR head that’ll need protection every time his disc-brakes break into action!
PRO: Well, ‘head-banging’ gets a cool new expression!!
CON: Apart from the obvious, what a sight it shall make if you BOTH wear helmets!

TENTH; As for the grand conclusion I have reserved the most dreadfully embarrassing experience of all, something I’ve been subject to so many times , it’s when you’re riding with a girl……...as HER pillion!!!
PRO: You can put your arms around her and hope she keeps those sudden brakes going!
CON: You may just HAVE TO wear that helmet!

The message therefore stands crystal clear;
1) Whoever says sitting at the back reduces chances of getting injured in an accident is a raving madcap!
2) Well, taking that auto won’t hurt after all.
3) If you happen to be like the helpless little mule that I am DON’T ever date or go out with women who have their own transportation, it’ll only make you want to shrink to the size of a G.I. Joe
4) Putting on a sports abdomen-guard before embarking on some ‘bumpy’ pillion riding is highly recommended.
5) If your friend has gone across the road to cash-out or to irrigate the streets or whatever, having left his vehicle with you, get on it and pretend it’s yours!
6) And finally!!! Get your own means of transportation even if financing that would require you to take up contract killing……if that’s too difficult just go become an auto-walla, they have a better life!!